Ok so just today and some other times i go all high and crazy lol who reads out math questions in a chipmunk voice? me! who jumps and screams at the most random places ever? me! who walks around without shoes on? me! LOL retarded me.

 sometimes i wonder if i really do look like this HAHAHHAHAH sadly..... sometimes im just like this because well.... to cover up. To hide all my anger and frustrations and just be known as a happy person LOL happy irl angry on twitter why? cause thats just me... when im alone and my mind is thinking i can't bottle everything up and not explode unlike when im around people...

When was i last crazy like that due to joy.... hmm.... probably when i went to sing k with kayleigh carrot and raymond :) not long ago but how often do we get to meet now adays? really really not often anymore.....
 But heh good things never last~ we whipped our hair back and forth we whipped our hair back and forth~

Ok so now for my rants..... recently... i think i've started thinking too much again... my superrrr bad habit cause my imagination is wild and to be honest.... i am super...... what word should i use....

insecure probably. About looks? and especially about clothes and friendships....

I can't stand repeating outfits more than 3 4 times? in fact if i wear like a dress to one event... ill try to never ever ever ever ever wear it to another event again... like really im that particular which is why im so sad to say.... im going to sell my black lace heart leopard print dress soon although i supa luv it but i've worn it far too many times ;___; i don't even know why im so particular about this but.... i just am.

Also i really hate hate HATE leaving home without my contacts.... except for school when i really just can't give a fuck about how i look like anymore.... but at other times i really just.... rather stay home ;___; the one time i wore my glasses you can't imagine how thick i drew my eyeliner and all....


So i camwhore so what? its really just psychology... ALL NORMAL GIRLS TAKE PICTURES... because of angles, lighting, effects and sometimes photoshop, most girls can look pretty and now tell me.... what girl doesn't want to pretty? even guys want to be pretty LOL i remember someone said something about me like 'insecure still can post so many pictures' something like that well what do i have to say about that? DIAM at least im brave enough to post my pictures =___= But how often do you see my no contacts no make up face? uh.... 0 on my current fb? LOL

Ok and i really don't know if there is such thing as friendship insecurity but heh i don't ever know what i write for my english/lit papers but i still get As so heh i won't care to find out now either cause im just that lazy.

I think... i am easily replaced. I posted it on twitter yesterday and natasha told me i wasn't to her and tbh i felt a little happy but it only lasted for a few seconds because well thats what my past said too. But its really happened so many times i just.... see it coming all the time now. I don't trust anymore and when i say this i don't mean it like most people LOL AND THIS IS NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE LETMEASKYOUSOMETHINGISNOTBEINGABLETOTRUSTOTHERSANEXCUSEFORFUCKINGMISTAKES?! FUCKINGBULLSHITFUCKINGSTUPIDFUCKINGRUBBISHWHYCANTSOMEPEOPLETHINKBECAUSETHEYOPENTHEIRMOUTH? STUPIDSTUPIDFUCKINGSTUPIDSERIOUSLYYOUTHINKITSFUNTOALWAYSDOUBTEVERYONEANDIREALLYMEANEVERYONEAROUNDME?

Maybe thats why i like to surround myself with a lot a lot a lot of friends... to make myself feel.... safe? But sometimes it doesn't even work i end up getting even more upset because i know that numbers don't matter they can all leave together in one day. THEAMOUNTOFTIMEYOU'VESPENTWITHAPERSONDOESN'TMATTER EITHER! SO WHAT BITCHES SO WHAT  GOING THROUGH HAPPY AND SAD ANGRY AND CONFUSED TIMES TOGETHER DON'T MEAN ANYTHING YOU MAY MEET EVERYDAY NOW BUT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT WILL LAST YOU NEVER KNOW YOU WILL NEVER KNOW

I just want someone to talk to..... There are so many things i just bottle up and trust it I DON'T WANT TO but tell me? who can i talk to? If i tweet it now people will be like 'you can talk to me' but im always in doubt... because i did try and look what fucking happened?! there are a lot of things.... i still keep as my deep dark secrets... I always dream of having someone to run and cry to and i always dream of  losing everyone again....

It happened before again and again it can happen anytime again now.... People cry over idols all the time what do i have in common? i cry over people who don't give a fuck im crying. But they are the people who would have used to care... The most is to cry over doubts which is why im crying now... i feel replaced again. Like before. Replaced. Easily replaces. i should change my url to replacablebitch.blogspot.sg 

This is probably the reason behind why i've felt so.... confused and so damn easily agitated the few days... im really really reallyyyyy easily replaceable.... its happened at every part of my life and now i think its happening at the one place i thought would never happen..... im crying myself to sleep again every night because of this because you really don't know how it feels like to lose every important person to you especially..... ..... .... ... .... .....

If i ever lose kayleigh jen or carrot.... i really don't know what ill do....i really don't even want to think about it.



i feel out of place everywhere....

i don't even want to talk to my school councilor when i have to.... basically my grades are good now fullstop and i wish everyone would leave me alone now. i know i have a problem but seriously talking to a freaking school councilor ain't gonna help ANYTHING it'll just add on to my worries what if i accidentally said something i wanted to keep secret? I do tell people things but sometimes... they are fake.... half fake... or just half the story.... i really hate the word 'bestfriend' because after i lost my last one i haven't trusted anyone to become my 'best friend' again and i haven't had a best friend in idk how many years....

Lifelong friends? just a myth. there ain't such a thing. Theres always someone out there whose prettier/skinnier/more talented/richer/cooler/smarter etc

I do try to trust i really try so hard but one person.... i think im going to lose anytime now and the other just doesn't seem interested, doesn't care, doesn't even want to talk/text/whatever.


People always neglect my feelings.... because i always just put on a fake smile and
 'are you ok?' 'yes :D'
 'are you crying?' 'dry contacts :D'
 'is anything wrong?' 'nope :D'
 'why do you look so sad?' 'im not :D/im just bored :D/im just tired :D/im fine :D etc'

Call me two-faced. But would you rather i show a fucking attitude like how i feel?
'are you ok?' 'what do you want'
'are you crying?' 'so what?'
'is anything wrong?' 'you ask me i ask who?'
'why do you look so sad?' 'cannot arh? my face leh'

your pick you choose.

I try to be a shimmering pink glitter like everyone else when im actually a shine-less glitter which has lost my colour because of all the tears that washed it all away and all the doubt i always have all the grudges and anger i bottle up all the time... But why spoil the picture? i'd rather fake it and paint my self pink and throw shimmer over me until i don't even know my old self anymore...

Which smiles are real which are fake? i really don't know sometimes... what truly makes me happy? i don't know either.


Let me cry again. the worst part is how sometimes.... my close friends are the ones who care the least... are you dumb or do you really just not think. Don't you realize how your words and actions can actually hurt me? yes i look ok but as my close friend you should already know me well enough to know i always fake it.

Sometimes i feel like i got stabbed in the heart.... As though my friend came me and was like 'guess what? i was the airport one day and i saw beast there! i took pictures with them i got them to sign my name and i hugged all them' or sometimes even like 'i went to korea i found hyunseung i fucked him and im pregnant with his baby now' Like seriously and life ain't all about idols and fangaling i am NOT just a fangal.

My mind is not all about kpop, hot/cute/handsome guys, fanservice, stalking etc

Life is not all about being a fangal you know? stop always treating me like we're at some concert stop and just grow the fuck up